The X Factor Live Show: Dancefloor Classics

This week's snark is from one of the original members of #TeamTrashTelly--Nickie from Typecast!
 

Kelly is back from her skive, Tulia is trying it on for the sympathy vote, Gary is moaning about what a tough job it’s turned out to be and Louis is playing the ‘bitch to the media’ card a couple of weeks early.  It’s Club Classic Floor Fillers Dancefloor Classics week, people, and I’m all prepared for a little bit of chair dancing and a sing-a-long so let’s hope I’m not disappointed.  PLUS it’s an X Factor DOUBLE ELIMINATION this week so everyone is at risk.

Dermot comes on stage to rapturous applause and does a little head flick shoulder groove.  He announces that the “Dancefloor Classics is a ballad free zone”.  I’m now wondering if Janet and Craig are being given oxygen backstage

The Fashion Bit:

Kelly – Long red number – cut out at the front to knee length

Tulisa – Black and gold one sleeved number

Kelly and Tulisa high-5 each other at the judges table.  Everyone is “fine”… yes that type of “fine”… and Kelly’s voice has made a miraculous recovery – must be all that LA air!  I sit and wait for Gary’s pre-written jokes – provided by James Cordon’s personal scriptwriter.  Also, Louis seems to have given up the “You sound like a black [insert someone, anyone with black skin here] route and is going down the “You brought it DOWN girl” track, slightly (a lot) taking the piss out of Kelly.

Johnny – Hung Up/You Spin Me Round mash up

Backstage, he realises that most people who win the XFactor aren’t his age (!).  Louis believes he can go all the way!  Johnny camps it up with the dancers backstage. 

He is wearing a purple suit and Ohhhhh slightly off key – no, A LOT OFF KEY -  with the Madonna song and he sounds like he’s had half a helium balloon before he came on stage – as soon as he moves into Dead or Alive he’s bang on again!  Gary doesn’t look impressed AT ALL!  It’s nowhere NEAR the quality of last week’s performance – Louis has done him a disservice with this choice of mash-up.

ADVICE:   Tulisa says it was predictable.  Kelly says he looked like he was having a good time but she can’t comment further.  Gary says it was like the opening of a bad panto and it’s making a mockery of the competition. 

Janet –  I Want You Back

Backstage, Janet says she doesn’t dance – she knows what she likes and that’s all that matters.

She’s had her hair straightened (which does actually suit her), she looks like she’s wearing a t-shirt and a cape type thing but forgotten her trousers and she jiggles about on the spot a bit.  Out of tune at the beginning and forgets her words in the second verse.  Kelly mouths them at her and she picks it back up again.  Anything that Janet sings sounds more Irish that her actual accent.  She also manages to include that annoying catch in her voice regardless of the style she is singing in

ADVICE:   Tulisa says she should stick to her own style because she looked uncomfortable.  Gary thought the performance was weak and she lost her identity.

Craig – Heaven

Backstage, Craig is scared this week because he has to dance.  Gary says he can sing it well anyway because he’s a good singer (yes, we’ve all seen Gary-the-dancer in Take That, haven’t we?).

He starts off slow – probably to build his voice up – I’m losing interest already.  The shouty bit is out of tune but it leads into the Ibiza version of Heaven.  He’s just RUINED one of my all time favourite tracks.  He bounces up and down the stage like an excited puppy and sings out of the side of his mouth – then slows it down again at the end.  He gets a standing ovation from Gary.

ADVICE:  As Louis says, “You remind me of a young Gary Barlow” – I look over my shoulder to see if he’s reading my live blog.  Tulisa says, “This shows how versatile you are.”  Kelly does some American shite about singing up tempo.

The Risk –  Night To Remember

Backstage, The Risk meet JLS and one of them gives his mobile number to Nicole Shirtslinger after last week’s show.  She just about manages to refrain from screwing it up and throwing it away whilst the cameras are on her. 

As a group they can’t harmonise.  Individually they aren’t too bad.  But this is what happens when you put a group together of individual singers – the voices don’t blend.  They are wearing leather jackets with pencil ties apart from one of them who does some unnecessary rapping.  They also do some Dermot-style dance-walking up and down the stage.  Forgettable, not memorable.

ADVICE:  I wish Louis would wait for the audience to shut up – everything he says is drowned out.  I think he says that performance will put them back in the race – Charlie is the main singer and Gary agrees.  Gary also says the song choice was the best for them but the performance was lacking.

Marcus – Reet Petite

Backstage, Gary says Marcus is expected to flower this week (!).  Marcus says his body is aching from all the dancing and he’s worried about his breathing.  In and out, love, in and out – that’s all you do.  Marcus gets the Frankie treatment this week with a special 50s TV announcer.

Marcus is definitely the dark horse in this competition.  I didn’t rate him in the auditions but my husband had his card marked.  I’ve loved his “journey” so far and the way he throws himself into each performance.  He’s bang on key and even does the rolling R’s in the song.  He’s fantastic – the “whole package” to steal an X Factor bingo phrase.  Tulisa is dancing in her chair.  He’s totally stolen the show!

ADVICE: Louis says “you are the perfect pop star”.  Tulisa says that he is the only one who understands how to reinvent himself  each week.  Kelly says it’s been interesting watching him grow each week.  I’m now even more convinced the X Factor judges have a webcam in my front room

Kitty – Like A Prayer

I adore this girl – I wish the general public “got” her.  Backstage, Kitty is wondering “What Would Madonna Do” – I’m so going to get her a t-shirt with that on and send it to her. 

She’s got a gospel choir and it’s a slow start but she’s got a fantastic voice.  She strips off to a sparkly leotard and does a lot of “ooohhhhh” and “yeaaaahhhhh”.  The judges don’t seem impressed but it’s a song with not a lot of words.

ADVICE:  Tulisa says that she’s captivated by Kitty’s performances each week and believes that she could hold the attention of a concert audience easily.  Kelly says it fell a bit flat but only because she thought she was holding back.  Gary says that she can’t dance – POT?  KETTLE?

Frankie –  I Gotta Feeling

 Aaarrgghhh - Cut your hair, stop using family entertainment television to make a name for yourself.  You’re not the next Pete Docherty – he was also a shit-for-brains.  Also, X-Factor – stop providing the platform for him to do this.  I’m convinced that if he survives this week he will have a Waissel make-over and then get booted out.  Backstage he says he can’t work out why people are voting for him.  Gary berates him about the media attention he’s receiving.  Then he says “Frankie’s got his head down this week” and I think “I’ll bet he has…” *cough*

He’s doing a rock version of I Gotta Feeling – it’s out of tune, out of time, off key, just all wrong and he looks like he’s just dragged himself out of bed.  There are lots of Boooooo’s from the audience after he finishes.

ADVICE:  Louis says it was bad karaoke and Gary has built him up to be a big rockstar.  Tulisa says it didn’t work for her tonight.  Kelly says Louis was out of line for part of his comment and adds that she wants Frankie to concentrate on his vocals (erm, it’s a singing contest – he should be good enough already!).  Then there’s a bit of a bitch fight between Louis, Kelly and Gary before Gary admits that he picked the wrong song for Frankie.  ANY SONG IS THE WRONG SONG, LOVE.

Misha B - Proud Mary

First of all, “B” is so pretentious – it’s not like there’s two Misha’s in the competition!  Anyway, backstage, Misha and Kelly agree that the performance should be “fun and bubbly”.  Her family also turn up to give her a boost.  She channelling Tina T good style with the “ha” interjections in the song.  She also looks like she’s had her trousers sprayed on and has stolen Whoopi Goldberg’s hair from Sister Act.  Give the girl her due, she’s putting on a fabulous performance and really commands the stage. 

ADVICE: Louis loves what she did with the song and says her and Marcus are natural born stars.  Tulisa says she got it right & had good energy.  Gary says she’s got her crown back.

Little Mix – Please Don’t Stop The Music (modern remix)

We get a “when I was young” update from the girls complete with complementary photos from their childhood – all of them holding a microphone (or pretend microphone) funnily enough.  They’ve also been on stage with Jessie J which confirmed their reason to succeed.  These girls are growing and growing – they do actually work well together as a group but this song doesn’t work for them as individual singers – they sound much better as a group and have their harmonies down to a T.  They have the dance moves too but the flashing lights are actually distracting from the performance.  Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  Not a bad performance on the whole.

ADVICE:  Louis says he thinks they’ve broken the girl band X Factor curse.  Kelly says she wants to hear more A-Cappella (unsure how that fits in with a club theme but there you go).  Gary says it was incredible.

My predictions for X Factor bottom three are Frankie, Janet and Johnny.  And I really don’t want to see you moaning at the elimination results if you don’t pick up the phone and vote, m’kay?