The X Factor Live Show: Dancefloor Classics

This week's snark is from one of the original members of #TeamTrashTelly--Nickie from Typecast!
 

Kelly is back from her skive, Tulia is trying it on for the sympathy vote, Gary is moaning about what a tough job it’s turned out to be and Louis is playing the ‘bitch to the media’ card a couple of weeks early.  It’s Club Classic Floor Fillers Dancefloor Classics week, people, and I’m all prepared for a little bit of chair dancing and a sing-a-long so let’s hope I’m not disappointed.  PLUS it’s an X Factor DOUBLE ELIMINATION this week so everyone is at risk.

Dermot comes on stage to rapturous applause and does a little head flick shoulder groove.  He announces that the “Dancefloor Classics is a ballad free zone”.  I’m now wondering if Janet and Craig are being given oxygen backstage

The Fashion Bit:

Kelly – Long red number – cut out at the front to knee length

Tulisa – Black and gold one sleeved number

Kelly and Tulisa high-5 each other at the judges table.  Everyone is “fine”… yes that type of “fine”… and Kelly’s voice has made a miraculous recovery – must be all that LA air!  I sit and wait for Gary’s pre-written jokes – provided by James Cordon’s personal scriptwriter.  Also, Louis seems to have given up the “You sound like a black [insert someone, anyone with black skin here] route and is going down the “You brought it DOWN girl” track, slightly (a lot) taking the piss out of Kelly.

Johnny – Hung Up/You Spin Me Round mash up

Backstage, he realises that most people who win the XFactor aren’t his age (!).  Louis believes he can go all the way!  Johnny camps it up with the dancers backstage. 

He is wearing a purple suit and Ohhhhh slightly off key – no, A LOT OFF KEY -  with the Madonna song and he sounds like he’s had half a helium balloon before he came on stage – as soon as he moves into Dead or Alive he’s bang on again!  Gary doesn’t look impressed AT ALL!  It’s nowhere NEAR the quality of last week’s performance – Louis has done him a disservice with this choice of mash-up.

ADVICE:   Tulisa says it was predictable.  Kelly says he looked like he was having a good time but she can’t comment further.  Gary says it was like the opening of a bad panto and it’s making a mockery of the competition. 

Janet –  I Want You Back

Backstage, Janet says she doesn’t dance – she knows what she likes and that’s all that matters.

She’s had her hair straightened (which does actually suit her), she looks like she’s wearing a t-shirt and a cape type thing but forgotten her trousers and she jiggles about on the spot a bit.  Out of tune at the beginning and forgets her words in the second verse.  Kelly mouths them at her and she picks it back up again.  Anything that Janet sings sounds more Irish that her actual accent.  She also manages to include that annoying catch in her voice regardless of the style she is singing in

ADVICE:   Tulisa says she should stick to her own style because she looked uncomfortable.  Gary thought the performance was weak and she lost her identity.

Craig – Heaven

Backstage, Craig is scared this week because he has to dance.  Gary says he can sing it well anyway because he’s a good singer (yes, we’ve all seen Gary-the-dancer in Take That, haven’t we?).

He starts off slow – probably to build his voice up – I’m losing interest already.  The shouty bit is out of tune but it leads into the Ibiza version of Heaven.  He’s just RUINED one of my all time favourite tracks.  He bounces up and down the stage like an excited puppy and sings out of the side of his mouth – then slows it down again at the end.  He gets a standing ovation from Gary.

ADVICE:  As Louis says, “You remind me of a young Gary Barlow” – I look over my shoulder to see if he’s reading my live blog.  Tulisa says, “This shows how versatile you are.”  Kelly does some American shite about singing up tempo.

The Risk –  Night To Remember

Backstage, The Risk meet JLS and one of them gives his mobile number to Nicole Shirtslinger after last week’s show.  She just about manages to refrain from screwing it up and throwing it away whilst the cameras are on her. 

As a group they can’t harmonise.  Individually they aren’t too bad.  But this is what happens when you put a group together of individual singers – the voices don’t blend.  They are wearing leather jackets with pencil ties apart from one of them who does some unnecessary rapping.  They also do some Dermot-style dance-walking up and down the stage.  Forgettable, not memorable.

ADVICE:  I wish Louis would wait for the audience to shut up – everything he says is drowned out.  I think he says that performance will put them back in the race – Charlie is the main singer and Gary agrees.  Gary also says the song choice was the best for them but the performance was lacking.

Marcus – Reet Petite

Backstage, Gary says Marcus is expected to flower this week (!).  Marcus says his body is aching from all the dancing and he’s worried about his breathing.  In and out, love, in and out – that’s all you do.  Marcus gets the Frankie treatment this week with a special 50s TV announcer.

Marcus is definitely the dark horse in this competition.  I didn’t rate him in the auditions but my husband had his card marked.  I’ve loved his “journey” so far and the way he throws himself into each performance.  He’s bang on key and even does the rolling R’s in the song.  He’s fantastic – the “whole package” to steal an X Factor bingo phrase.  Tulisa is dancing in her chair.  He’s totally stolen the show!

ADVICE: Louis says “you are the perfect pop star”.  Tulisa says that he is the only one who understands how to reinvent himself  each week.  Kelly says it’s been interesting watching him grow each week.  I’m now even more convinced the X Factor judges have a webcam in my front room

Kitty – Like A Prayer

I adore this girl – I wish the general public “got” her.  Backstage, Kitty is wondering “What Would Madonna Do” – I’m so going to get her a t-shirt with that on and send it to her. 

She’s got a gospel choir and it’s a slow start but she’s got a fantastic voice.  She strips off to a sparkly leotard and does a lot of “ooohhhhh” and “yeaaaahhhhh”.  The judges don’t seem impressed but it’s a song with not a lot of words.

ADVICE:  Tulisa says that she’s captivated by Kitty’s performances each week and believes that she could hold the attention of a concert audience easily.  Kelly says it fell a bit flat but only because she thought she was holding back.  Gary says that she can’t dance – POT?  KETTLE?

Frankie –  I Gotta Feeling

 Aaarrgghhh - Cut your hair, stop using family entertainment television to make a name for yourself.  You’re not the next Pete Docherty – he was also a shit-for-brains.  Also, X-Factor – stop providing the platform for him to do this.  I’m convinced that if he survives this week he will have a Waissel make-over and then get booted out.  Backstage he says he can’t work out why people are voting for him.  Gary berates him about the media attention he’s receiving.  Then he says “Frankie’s got his head down this week” and I think “I’ll bet he has…” *cough*

He’s doing a rock version of I Gotta Feeling – it’s out of tune, out of time, off key, just all wrong and he looks like he’s just dragged himself out of bed.  There are lots of Boooooo’s from the audience after he finishes.

ADVICE:  Louis says it was bad karaoke and Gary has built him up to be a big rockstar.  Tulisa says it didn’t work for her tonight.  Kelly says Louis was out of line for part of his comment and adds that she wants Frankie to concentrate on his vocals (erm, it’s a singing contest – he should be good enough already!).  Then there’s a bit of a bitch fight between Louis, Kelly and Gary before Gary admits that he picked the wrong song for Frankie.  ANY SONG IS THE WRONG SONG, LOVE.

Misha B - Proud Mary

First of all, “B” is so pretentious – it’s not like there’s two Misha’s in the competition!  Anyway, backstage, Misha and Kelly agree that the performance should be “fun and bubbly”.  Her family also turn up to give her a boost.  She channelling Tina T good style with the “ha” interjections in the song.  She also looks like she’s had her trousers sprayed on and has stolen Whoopi Goldberg’s hair from Sister Act.  Give the girl her due, she’s putting on a fabulous performance and really commands the stage. 

ADVICE: Louis loves what she did with the song and says her and Marcus are natural born stars.  Tulisa says she got it right & had good energy.  Gary says she’s got her crown back.

Little Mix – Please Don’t Stop The Music (modern remix)

We get a “when I was young” update from the girls complete with complementary photos from their childhood – all of them holding a microphone (or pretend microphone) funnily enough.  They’ve also been on stage with Jessie J which confirmed their reason to succeed.  These girls are growing and growing – they do actually work well together as a group but this song doesn’t work for them as individual singers – they sound much better as a group and have their harmonies down to a T.  They have the dance moves too but the flashing lights are actually distracting from the performance.  Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  Not a bad performance on the whole.

ADVICE:  Louis says he thinks they’ve broken the girl band X Factor curse.  Kelly says she wants to hear more A-Cappella (unsure how that fits in with a club theme but there you go).  Gary says it was incredible.

My predictions for X Factor bottom three are Frankie, Janet and Johnny.  And I really don’t want to see you moaning at the elimination results if you don’t pick up the phone and vote, m’kay?

XFactor Live Shows: Fright Night

Tonight's X Factor recap is from the fab Mink Prisoner!

Lots of controversy before we even get to the singing this week. 

Kelly’s allegedly in a snit over Tulisa’s smackdown last week and is staying in LA. The official story is throat infection (Get well soon) Alexandra Burke is announced as a last-minute replacement. Shame Simon didn’t decide to hop on his private jet and come back to the X Factor!

Johnny’s in the papers for claiming incapacity benefit although he’s been shimmying across the stage like a disco diva and someone called Ashley quit The Risk to be replaced by someone from Nu Vibe called Ashford.

The Rhythmix girls had to change their name since a charity already has dibs they will now be called tah dah Little Mix so catchy. Phew! The X Factor PR Dept must be exhausted.

It’s Time. To. Face. The. Music.

Is Halloween the theme? I swear if one of them does thriller it’s all over.

Yes, Halloween is the theme. Maybe Johnny will come out in drag. They’re calling it Fright Night and

Dermot does an ill-advised dance routine with some chicks in catsuits.

Ghostbusters! Tulisa has come dressed as Michelle Pfeiffer in Catwoman Louis is dressed as an ageing gent with inappropriate Tin Tin hair.

The Risk

Thriller

Bit of tragic backstory about Ashley dropping out of the band. Sob, sob! It’s the hardest thing he’s had to do in his entire life – dude is lucky! First tears of the night….

Finally, The Risk… It IS all over they are singing Thriller in the manner of zombies. Oh, dear. Judges are deaf though since they are being praised.

Johnny “The People’s Diva” Robinson

That Old Devil Called Love

Louis introduces “The People’s Diva” Johnny the benefit cheat. Allegedly.

It’s that Old Devil Called Love Again with full on chandeliers, he fluffs the lyrics.  He has rocks in his eyes apparently. Good job Simon isn’t here.

The judges love it. Gary gives him a hub/kiss and Johnny faints (not really).

I wish he’d done it in drag. It’s quite fun and I love this Billie Holiday song so I’m gonna give Johnny a pass.

Sophie Habibis

Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)

Here we attempt to give Sophie a bit of a backstory. We see her in the pub with her friend. Random people say how she is representing Islington. Whatever. The song is such a poor choice. It’s not even These Boots (Were Made For Walking). Her voice is really great and she looks cute but this song. Just, no.

Gary says she’s one of the best singers (true) but he agrees with me about the song choice. She needs a big showstopper next week.

Marcus Collins

Superstition

Not sure about the eye make-up, Marcus. Does this song always sound like Need You Tonight by INXS? He rocked it out. I like Marcus but not loving the song choice either.

Big smiley thumbs-up from all the judges.

Misha B.

Tainted Love

Wonder if there’ll be any accusations of bullying tonight? There’s a mea culpa segment. Let’s just get on with the singing. An uptempo version; like the original by Gloria Jones. The creepy puppet dancers are distracting me. The crowd are chanting for her at the end. The judges who criticised her last week are backtracking. Fair enough. Second tears of the night.

Janet Devlin

Every Breath You Take

Wee Janet. We see her village in Ireland, some kids from a Primary school all saying they love her. A pared-down ballad version. She is dressed as Miss Havisham. It’s haunting all right, maybe not in a good way.Louis gives feedback and his second dodgy Kelly Rowland impression of the night. They all seem to like it.  Gary mentions she’s getting a bit predictable; I think he’s right.

Frankie Cocozza

Should I Stay Or I Go?

It’s bum tattoo time!  He’s looking more debauched as the weeks go by. “Tonight its me, a bed, and a load of fit dancers … and I m just gonna go out there and have it.” His hair looks better. Well, washed at least. I don’t think he’s pulling it off. The “fit dancers” are having a pillow fight. Oh, dear.

Louis gives him a bit of a telling off. Tulisa likes him. Alexandra not so thrilled with his offstage antics either. He don’t care.

Kitty Brucknell

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

She’s deluded. That Botox was done with someone by a grudge. She’s spinning on a wheel like the type knife throwers aim at, that’s tempting fate. I love this song, so am biased. I don’t feel like she “smashed it”.

Little Mix (Formerly Rhythmix)

E.T.

Third tears of the night. The pretty blonde girl is crying because twits are tweeting she’s fat.  The girls are on swings but looking spooky. They do Katy Perry’s alien ditty justice. I like them. So do the crowd and the judges.

Craig Colton

Set Fire to The Rain

The Scousers are crazy for Craig, including his favourite chip shop, who is outraged “Gary Barlow’s serving him lettuce”.  I think Adele songs are to be avoided for the moment; they are too closely identified with her. He does well though.

Everyone loves it.

And the lines are open!

Who I think will go home: The Risk

Who should go home: Frankie

See you for the results tomorrow!

The X Factor Live Shows: Rock Night

I'm in the USA (and my sister got married last night!) so I haven't watched the X Factor yet however the lovely Annee has done an X Factor Live Show recap on my behalf!

So, it's Rock Night on the X Factor, this should be fun...or not!

I'm also glad that Tulisa has got rid of the blonde roots, they were not pretty at all!  The judges all looked sweeeeet tonight, although Gary's tie?? Looks like I just knitted it in the ad break, is this a new trend??  I hope so I have some black wool upstairs!

First up tonight was Marcus Collins, his song choice was Lenny Kravitz - Are you gonna go my way.  I'm not a huge Marcus fan and I didn't rate him much last week but after a shaky start tonight he was actually not too bad and looked very comfortable rocking with the dancers.  I must add though, his ripped teeshirt was a tad vile!

Next up was the sweet sweet flame haired angel, Janet Devlin whose song was Sweet child of mine - Guns and Roses.  OK she wasn't totally rocking out but her take on the song was brill, she is my favourite of this year.  She also looked fab and was wearing a Stella & Dot Pegasus Necklace!

Uh Oh, here comes Sami Brookes... OK this girl can sing, but I think she wowed everyone at the auditions and she hasn't brought anything else to the table since then.  I think we just expect her to be good and she is but she doesn't blow me away.  Her rendition of Cher - If I could turn back time was good but nothing special.  The X Factor stylist still hasn't got it yet... bring in Gok please, I could see the lines of her spanx through the leather dress!


Rhythmix next, they don't excite me and I really don't get how they sang a mix of two Pop songs, Ke$ha - Tik Tok and Salt n Pepa - Push it, and could class that as Rock!  The vocals were pretty poor and even when singing together you could hear that one or two of them were shaky and out of tune!  They also look like they just took a tumble in a jumble sale!

Pretty girl Sophie Habibis turned Rock song Living on a prayer - Bon Jovi into a ballad, she was pretty nervous and you could see it in her eyes and hear it in some notes but she did look amazing!  I like Sophie she has a great voice and I hope she finds her zone soon so she can shine!

Craig Colton, the guy who chews up his face as he sings.  Tonight he looks as if he has a bird's nest on his head, he so needs a hair cut!  OK I think this guy can sing but he sang Oasis - Stop crying your heart out, and I hate Oasis, totally loathe them.  So he could have sang this song perfectly and amazing but I still wouldn't have liked it, sorry! 

Peering through my hands as I'm scared to see what she is wearing this week it's....Kitty Brucknell singing Live and Let Die - Paul McCartney (covered by Guns n Roses).  Are the X Factor stylists trying to make Kitty look like Lady Gaga?  Kitty was a bit rubbish to start off but once the song built up and she could let go she was good!  I like Kitty and I don't like her all at the same time!  I think she looks kinda weird, small eyes and her make up doesn't really compliment them.

Frankie Cocozza, the guy whos hair I'd LOVE to take clippers too and also maybe throw him in a bath!  I so don't get him AT ALL, he is total crap.  Tonight he is singing Get your rocks off - Primal Scream and all I can think is - pull your trousers up you've got a saggy crotch and I can see your horrid underwear.  I don't have anything good to say about this guy, he's got to go soon!  AND what was his entrance all about, does he think he's already a star?!

The Risk singing Gnarls Barkley - Crazy... Oh I don't think I liked this, did I just see them looking at each other thinking WTF?  Nooooo they are pleading the sick card, don't you just hate that?  Someone is out of tune and they play the sick card!

Heeeerrrrreeee's Johnny!  Johnny Robinson, aww you gotta love Johnny he is such a nice person and you just want to feed him up!  I'm loving Johnny singing I believe in a thing called love - The Darkness.  He isn't the best performer to look at when he's performing a Rock song as he is a bit camp which is bizarre but he sounds great tonight and he strangely done great with that song.... I am so pleased he didn't say 'Vogue' at the end!  Go Johnny, you RAWK!!!

Misha B, yeah she's a Rock chic and she rocked Prince's Purple Rain!  She also had fab eye make up!  Not much else to say as she was good.  I try not to read the press and what happens backstage and I try and focus on the singing as that's what the competition is about.... I'm not interested in how much of a diva this girl is or what goes on backstage, that's just me.

That's the X Factor over for another week, I predict that Rhythmix and Sophie will be the bottom two... The best performance tonight for me was Misha B and the worse was Rhythmix.

The X Factor: First Public Vote

Can someone please tell Tulisa to stop with the tattoo arm pose? Its not big and its not clever. Her hair is 10,000 times better and I'm glad she read my post last week and saw that we all hated the reverse roots :) This week's X Factor  theme is "love and heartbreak" so I expect some Alanis and Winehouse but I doubt I will get it.

Nu Vibe:

I'll be honest I don't have high expectations for them especially after watching the US X Factor where the calibre of talent is just way better. That first bit of "harmonizing" (I use that term loosely) was just awful. I love "With or Without You" and this faux-dance version is not doing it for me. Are they trying to style themselves as a clubby/dancey group because it isn't believable.

Sammi Brookes:

They still haven't quite figured out her styling have they? The longer hair is more flattering but the metallic shrug is not doing her any favours. In my opinion if your name ain't Whitney or Dolly you should never sing this song because it will never live up to the expectations of your audience. She sang it okay enough but no emotion and no performance; if I wanted to just see someone sing I'd watch myself do karaoke in a mirror. X Factor is about more than singing you know what I mean?

Craig Colton: 

Will someone please tell him that he can not pull off the neck waggle reserved for only the fiercest of sisters? Just because you are singing a Beyonce song does not mean you can use her gestures. He's so worried about waving his hands and screwing up his face and perfecting his snarl that the vocals are just blah. I really would like to fast forward. I'm not loving it at all.

Janet Devlin:

She literally gave me goosebumps with that first phrase. Her voice is just so sweet and pleasant to listen to and if you haven't guessed already I am a big fan of hers. The song was a bit slow and sleepy for my personal tastes but I still love her.

Frankie Cocozza:

First off is he wearing jeggings and tails? Sack the stylist. He is doing his talk-whisper thing again and isn't singing the song. He didn't sing and it wasn't good. Shortest recap ever.

Johnny Robinson:

We all know he performs in Drag so why do they keep hinting at it and just let him come out as his alter ego? I almost feel like it could possibly work if he was in drag. Scratch that he just came into the chorus and the singing is just, wow. I will not be able to get this out of my head for a long time unfortunately. WTF! Why did he say "vogue" at the end?!?!?!

Marcus Collins:

I really don't like the flaming hands behind him because in my mind that just alludes to domestic violence; maybe I'm reading to far into it but the flaming hand and Rihanna song I just don't like the visual. It also says a lot that I'm noticing the backdrop more than his vocals. He doesn't pull of serious or dramatic very well; I didn't believe what he was singing and that last note was not pretty. Also it looks like he has on a toupee tonight.

Rhythmix:

Is this really a love song? It's not a heartache song-- its about a girl who can't commit right? Does that really qualify it for the theme? If they were going to stretch the theme they could have picked a much better song. The styling, again, is atrocious especially on Jesy I think her name is--why is she always wearing MC Hammer pants? I liked them last week but this week I wasn't feeling it.

Misha B:

There are rumours in the papers that Kelly had to bitch her out and knock her down a few pegs for talking shit to the crew and it doesn't surprise me especially with that little VT saying she wants to make all the backstage proud.  Do you think she's smuggling nuts in her shoulder pads because she looks like the Purple One from Quality Street. She can sing but her attitude just turns me off.

The Risk:

The violins and music is louder than their vocals or is it just me with my wonky hearing? Half of them have no emotion in their faces and the other half have totally cheesy-fake looks on their faces. I feel like this song is so overdone and if you are going to do it then make me believe it. I still don't think they gel well as a group but apparently girls think they are attractive (?) so they could still be around for a bit.

Sophie Habibis:

Why are they trying to make her jazzy in a Norah Jones sort of way? She can sing for sure but I just feel like Kelly has been failing her with song choices and stylings. She looks pretty tonight (minus the white eyeshadow when she blinks) but again no real emotion behind the vocals and certainly not strong enough yet to stand up there on her own and belt it. Just feel a bit short; she has the goods but she needs to bring more to the plate than just her voice.

Kitty Brucknell:

Why is she wearing a wig in her VT? Is that really necessary? Oh and another wig in the performance. I need to do some full disclosure here before I continue on (I've paused the TV and everything)-- I've sang this song before. I've sang this song on stage before for a show in high school and I have very fond memories of it. My opinions therefore may be even more biased than usual. Okay disclosure over. I do not understand the Alice in Wonderland theme and it doesn't add to the performance. She's trying WAY too hard and it does not work. I won't go as far as to say that I did it better but umm yea you can come to that conclusion if you like.

My Predictions for the Bottom:

NuVibe, Marcus, Rhythmix

The X Factor: First Live Show

The X Factor is live and the first theme is "Britain vs. America" which isn't really a theme at all since 90% of music on the radio is from the US or UK. It's like saying tonight's theme is "Fast vs. Slow;" either have a proper theme or don't okay?


The Big Twist isn't bringing back contestants after all (so why was Kelly Rowland in Fife?) but instead there will be no public vote this week. They used to do the same waaay back in the early days of American Idol so not that exciting if you ask me. Bring on the singing!


Amelia Lily

What is with the pink hair? First the girl on BINTM and now her as well? I do think she looks loads better with less make-up. Who lets a 16 year old go bleach blonde and wear 2 tons of makeup? Oh for the love of Bubbles she's singing Billie Jean? I love Michael Jackson and I love a bit of punk-rock covers but this is just not well thought out and it is NOT good.  Also pink hair plus red jacket clashes in my book; just saying.




Johnny Robinson

Okay so I'm guessing the X Factor vocal coach didn't get a chance to teach him about singing from his chest and not his nose? I feel bad for him because honestly he's not good enough to be on the stage. I guess Louis is treating him like Wagner 2.0 and figure that is he goes camp enough with enough dancers in tight clothes he'll go through. He does look like he is having the time of his life though so good for him I guess? OMG did you see Kelly's polite tennis clap? LOVE IT.


Rhythmix

I'm going to go ahead and say it I was more impressed with Sophia Grace singing Super Bass than these girls and her rapping skills were way better. If you aren't a rapper you should not try to rap. The harmony at the end was good but just didn't make any sense. Also what is up with Tulisa's blonde roots with brown hair? Is that a new trend I've missed because it looks really stupid.


Frankie Cocozza

First I have to say I HATE his hair; comb-overs are don't look good on old men nor do they look good young men. I also hate this song; I thought it was that whiny James Blunt until I listened and realized it was about drugs and Officer Blunt wouldn't dare sing about drugs. I'd have to say using the term "sing" to describe what Frankie did tonight is stretching it; he just huskily spoke through it and I did not like it. Real artist Gary? Not so much.


Sophie Habibis

Didn't Kelly say she was singing a song by the biggest act in the UK right now? Did I not hear her right? I was expecting Adele not the very American Katy Perry. She looks great and her shoes are freaking amazing but I think they've slowed the song down too much. Sophie can obviously sing but it's just too sleepy for my taste. If Simon was there he'd say it was indulgent.


Jonjo Kerr

Even the girls grinding without their poles behind him can't distract from how bad this is. He does not have the voice, style or confidence to pull off the Kinks. Does anyone remember Tabby from the 1st series of the X Factor? He could sing the Kinks, Jonjo can not. The buttoned up suit did not work at all with the song either.


Two Shoes

I'm glad they got out of the car because you couldn't see them but then they got out and I saw they had on 25lbs pounds of makeup. Oy. It's not bad but it also sounds exactly like the original version. I don't really have much else to say which can't be a good thing. I second Kelly though; where the hell is Romford?




James Michael

I don't remember him from any of the audition shows and based on this I'm not surprised. It's so ho-hum and not powerful I just want to fast forward. Another slowed down, sleepy song that has been changed up for the worse. If you are going to sing something as classic as a Beatles song you have to kill it; he didn't kill it he murdered it.




Misha B

Another "biggest artist in the UK" from Kelly; I'm thinking Adele again but will assume its another American.  Okay it is Adele but why is she dressed like what I imagine Rupert Murdoch would look like in drag--part newspaper, part evil queen? She's not a bad singer but she's very affected and over stylised in her singing which makes it very unpleasant to listen to if I'm honest.


Nu Vibe

Okay first I have to say normally when I hear this song I change the station or the channel. I can not and will not support Chris Brown in any way shape or form. I really, really hope he is not getting any royalties or benefits from them singing this song. I don't boycott much but I boycott him.  Now that is out of the way I think their performance was old fashioned and they were trying too hard to look like a boy band and the vocals fell flat. Even the styling seems so five years ago; except for the main guy's crustache ala Colour me Badd which is so 20 years ago.


Marcus Collins

I think he looks really good but the performance is very karaoke. Don't get me wrong I love karaoke but that's not what this show is about. His phrasing is off and it's just not the best vocal I've heard in my life. While I think he is really cute it did not do it for me.






Sami Brookes

Why is she actually done up like a drag queen? I'm the first to admit I wish I was a drag queen myself but I really do not think her styling or makeup is flattering in any way shape or form. The X Factor has a really bad habit of putting anyone over a size 10 in shapeless black sacks of varying lengths (see Mary from last year) and I do not like it. What the frickity frak did she do with her mouth at the end there? If Simon was there he'd say it was a "cruise ship" performance.


The Risk

We've never heard them sing together before and I think if we had they wouldn't be here. Their voices just don't really mesh well together. Again if you can't rap- DON'T RAP; I think bad rapping might be my new pet peeve. I'm not a fan and at this stage and can't see them sticking around very long. Did the judges hear something totally different from me? I'm actually shocked that they liked it so much.


Craig Colton

I hope they break him of that lip snarl habit quickly; why do contestants do that? It doesn't look big, clever or cute. I have no idea what song he is singing which makes it really hard for me to connect and get into it. He can sing but there is no connection. WHAT THE F WAS THAT?!?! That strange whipsery, almost crying drama break in the middle before the crescendo? Who said that was okay? That put me right off; I wasn't committed from the start and that killed it for me.


Kitty Brucknell

Did she get botox? Her forehead and eyebrows look freakishly smooth and frozen. She looks like a waxwork! She's not the worst singer but all the theatrics and styling is only something you can pull of once you are an established artist. Did you notice how no one clapped at first? It's because they didn't know WTF to say! Her voice was fine but the performance was just really out of place and she so wants to be Gaga right?


Janet Devlin

I absolutely hate her Dale Evans outfit but holy shit is she the best by a mile. The song choice is amazing and completely shows off the vulnerability and innocence in her voice. It was totally stunning and she's my early pick to win the X Factor. She has a little case of Diana Vickers hands but otherwise perfect. Also how is it she sounds more Irish singing than she does speaking? So cute!




All photos from ITV.com

The X-Factor: London Auditions

The X-Factor is back and with 3/4 of the judging panel stepping in for the first time I was interested to see what the dynamic would be. The same thing happened with American Idol earlier this year and well if you ask me they were *too* nice; no one wanted to step into the Simon role. No problem with that here.


Joining Louis Walsh were Kelly Rowland, Tulisa from NDubz and Gary Barlow from Take That. Gary has taken it upon himself to be the new Simon. He's not just honest, but also has taken Simon's "let them think I don't like them but I actually do" fake-em-out phrasing to the table. As for everyone else, well it's early  but so far Louis seems less grumpy than last year.


The auditions started in London and if I'm honest I wasn't impressed. I saw a lot of singers with bad hair who thought they were more talented than they are. Could they sing? Yes. Should they win the X-Factor? No. 


Each week of the auditions I'm going to pick my favourite and this week I don't think it will come as a surprise to anyone: Janet Devlin. A sixteen year old with a Ellie Goulding-esque voice. Her voice is so pure and the tone is so warm you just feel like she's giving you a big hug when she's singing. She has an amazing voice but she's so humble and not in that "oh you think I can sing? little old me?" fake humility way so many have but genuine and true humility. 




What did you think of new judges table and who was your favourite?

X-Factor Live Shows: Semi-Final

Rebecca Ferguson




I'm not loving her eye makeup, it's like something off America's Next Top Model when they bleach out their eyebrows to make them look "fierce." Rebecca is a good singer, but I'll be damned if that girl isn't boring as all hell. There are what I can only assume are spies in leotards dancing around her and she's just standing there and well it's good, but boring.


Mary Byrne





What in disco dancing with the stars reject hell are the dancers wearing? I have to say though this is the absolute best I've heard Mary sing. Maybe she's reliving her glory days as a svelte roller skating singing waitress and it's working for her! Yes I am aware I just made up a preposterous backstory but it works for me.

Matt Cardle




The guitar isn't necessary and maybe it's just me but I don't think it's plugged in anyways. Overall I feel it really needs more production and something else going on beside him just standing there pretending to play guitar. Oh wow Brian Freedman heard me and cue the choir and confetti! I think you can tell his voice isn't 100% this week, but he doesn't sound bad, just not at the top of his game.

Cher Lloyd



Does this really qualify as a dance song? Also again what are the dancers wearing? Tails with shorts and combat boots? I think Grace was too busy playing nurse to Matt and checked out on dressing the back-up dancers this week. What the F was up with Cheryl's duck face there! She's like a stage Mom on "Toddlers and Tiaras" miming in the audience what their child should do on stage. Meh, I didn't like it.

One Direction



I actually really like this Rihanna song. I think a lot of the chorus isn't sounding perfect but I think it's a good song choice and little girls, as always, are going to love them. Again, I'm not really sure it's a dance song though. I think they'd have to take a giant crap on stage during their next song not to make it through tonight.

Matt Cardle



Oy vey I'm so over this stupid song from that stupid commercial everyone except me loves. I've checked out already and I can pretty fairly say I won't have a single positive thing to say so I should just go google holiday presents for Blondie Boy. Ew and he totally missed that big "Oooh" note the first go. See I told you, nothing nice to say; I don't care if he's sick that was crap.

Mary Byrne



Oh that was an awful opening note! I freaking love "The Way We Were." The quirky, political Jewish girl and the golden boy Goy through love and loss--if you haven't seen this movie it is amazing. I love Barbra and this song is Barbra and Mary can not pull it off. I checked out after that first note, but it's not gotten any better. She's back to my original thoughts on her as this has cancelled out everything that was good about her first song. I hope she's crying because she realizes how horrible that was.

Cher Llyod



What is this? I can normally name a song within the first few bars. Ahh it's the Rihanna and Eminem song. First off I have *major* problems with this song because I think it's ridiculously irresponsible for a domestic violence survivor to sing "I like the way it hurts" and Rihanna should know better especially as she's a role model for young girls. Overall, I liked this song better than her first song though. Oooh did you catch that "hmm" in response to Danni? That Cher is a cocky little thing!

Rebecca Ferguson



Oh this is sooo clichéd and way too slow. I really think this is going to keep her out of the final. It's one thing to do a really slow ballad that's original or a new twist on an old song, but this is just blah. At least her makeup is better?

One Direction



This is a really good song, but I kinda feel like it's a bit 5 years ago. Again little girl will love it so it doesn't really matter what I think. Speaking of what I think I've decided that Zain looks like Ugly Betty's nephew Justin, what do you think? Their harmonies were a lot better on this song and no one crapped on stage so unless I'm totally missing something they are through to the finals.

I'm actually going to make a prediction on the bottom two this week and my bottom two are Rebecca and Mary.

X-Factor Live Shows: Week 6

NotBlondeHusband is out watching boxing and Blondie Boy is asleep in bed so I'm back live-blogging my thoughts on the X-Factor. It's Elton John week so hopefully contestants will actually follow the theme and I'm totally expecting a few trainwrecks!

Paije Richardson



Is it bad that I think this is best Paije has been styled and he's in a Pepto-pink blazer? I still think they shouldn't ask him to move/dance because he gets so out of breath and time; he can't sing and dance at the same time. As for the song, it's not bad, but it's not good and certainly isn't holding my attention. And as an aside, Cheryl isn't familiar with "Crocodile Rock?" Who wants to bet Elton has a bitchy quote in the papers tomorrow about that! Bottom line, Paije could be in trouble because everyone knows first out is often vulnerable.

Aiden Grimshaw



He looks like he wants to be an Elvis impersonator tonight with that hair and jacket. Let me be clear- I don't like Aiden. I think Aiden thinks Aiden's shit don't stink--do you get what I mean? Everything he does is so self-indulgent; eyes closed, pulling funny faces. I don't think he's intense, I think he's up his own arse. Personally I prefer William Shatner's version of "Rocket Man" but the judges seem to like it so who knows.


Mary Byrne



Do you think every Tesco employee is voting for Mary because honestly I'm not sure who else would be. I think shouting louder to try and show you can sing only can get you so far in the competition. All she does is shouty renditions of boring ballads and I'm not feeling the love tonight. I think she could be at risk because it only just ended and I already can't remember her performance.

Katie Waissel



The only thing I like about Katie is she makes me feel better about my hair; will they please fix her roots already? I don't think her voice is strong/loud enough to pull off this song; it's really hard to hear her vocals on the chorus and it just isn't believable at all in my opinion. The production was entertaining, but she wasn't. I've heard rumours it's a double eviction tomorrow and if it is she's out, no question.

Matt Cardle



I would have bet money he was going to sing the version of "Your Song" from Moulin Rouge, so at least he's not been super predictable. However had he ever had a production with dancers? It's always just him out there with some smoke and lights. I'd like to see him put on a bit more of a show. He's a good singer, but kinda whiny. I mean I'm not saying he's whining and complaining, but he's just sorta whiny and blah. I like my male singers to be a bit rough and slightly cocky, so maybe it's just me. I'm fairly sure he's safe though.

Cher Lloyd



What the F is on her legs? Are they robot pants? Are they tights? Why is she wearing silver whatever they are on her legs with a jacket that has gold cuffs? I do not like mixing silver and gold-- not cool in my fashion book. I like that they've chilled out her make-up some and it's probably about as naturally looking as she gets. The song choice was good, especially since Mary J Blige covered it and I think she's safe.

Wagner



Wagner had a lady friend with a pet lion; why does this not surprise me? What's this all about? Why are we cutting to Louis? I guess any delay to having to listen to Wagner sing is a good thing. Why does Wagner always sing, and I use the term sing loosely, two songs each week? They didn't even make any attempt to mesh/mash the songs together this week. As the number of contestants dwindle the vote for the worst campaign for Wagner should lose steam. I'm going to hope he's in the bottom this week.

One Direction



I want to ask y'all who your favorite band member is but I'm pretty sure they are all under 18, but if you were a teenager again who would your favorite be? I know little girls love them because well they're semi-attractive young boys singing, but I really do think they actually sing well together. Little girls everywhere will think they are singing that song to them, but I think they could have chosen something a bit less predictable. You can barely hear the judges talk over the wee girls screaming and cheering! They are consistent each week and are totally safe.

Rebecca Ferguson



Ooh great song choice and I'm really glad she's singing the original version, too. That dress however is horrible and looks like a sack hanging on her--where is her waist? You know she's a tiny thing, but that dress is not doing anything for her at all. The colour looks good on her but the dress needs some shimmer and needs to nip in at her waist and show off her figure. Her hair looks like when people braid a horses hair in fancy knots, do you know what I mean? She sang great though and she's safe in my book.

XFactor: Live Shows Week 3

Paije Richardson:



Who styles him? He's like the love child of Whitley and Dwanye Wayne from A Different World with his brightly coloured shoulder-padded blazer and faded hi-top haircut; I have no idea what's around his neck but he should return it to Flava Flav asap. I'm sure the judges are going to love this, but I'm b-o-r-e-d and I think it was self-indulgent. He's the first out and I think he's at risk at being in the bottom three.

John Adeleye:



Why does he have the hairstyle of an 8 year old girl playing double-dutch? Again, I'm hating the styling. I don't know this song and it's not keeping my attention and the two random dancers grinding and then pirouetting off to the side are just confusing me. It didn't sound bad, but another one I'm throwing into the bottom three pile.

Rebecca Ferguson:



Did they dye her hair the same colour as Cheryl's or is that just a new weave? I don't like the big ass bow making her look crazy-wide when you know she's teeny-tiny. Now in her VT she said she wanted to show how she's young and can have fun--I thought that meant she'd be doing something uptempo and contemporary. I do think this song suits her and she's singing beautifully, but I kinda want to see her bust out of this 30's jazzy vibe or at least sing something modern in a jazzy style. Regardless, she's safe.

Cher Lloyd:



OMG She's singing No Diggity?!?!? I can identify that song after two notes, it's true. Oh Noooo now a segway into Shout? I am *not* a fan of the medley and I was about to say as much as I hate her I freaking love that song, but when you add in Shout and that broke-ass rap, blergh. She looks like she has 5 pairs of false lashes on how she can see is beyond me and did Cheryl dye Cher's hair to match hers as well? How is Cher "being me" when she's copied Cheryl's hair? Shout, shout let it all out, Cher's breath smells like sauerkraut. She'll be safe, blah.

Matt Cardle:



It's Britney bitches. I know I complained about his one hat, but I think he needs to get that hat back because what's underneath isn't nice. Is an acoustic version of "...Baby One more Time" original? No, Travis did it in the late 90's. Will people love it? Yes. He's wicked safe.

One Direction:



Does anyone have 8-16 year old little girls? They freaking love One Direction, right? Which one do they fancy? I honestly don't think it matters what they sing, little girls will eat them up and probably Grannies too and aren't those two demographics XFactor's bread and butter? I think they've really gelled and sound good for a boy band. Despite that really, really bad last note by Zain, they're safe.

(The theme is guilty pleasures? I tooootally missed that and would have never known if I hadn't heard Cheryl say that. Whoops, sometimes I fast-forward through too much I guess!)

Treyc Cohen:



Um Zepplin isn't a guilty pleasure, I'm fairly sure they are a respectable band you don't have to like about liking. I think Treyc is a good singer, but she's not a rock chick and I'm not loving this or her feather shoulder pads. Can someone please explain the grinding people to me- how is that something you get into? Anyway I see she too has some Cheryl coloured extensions if Katie doesn't come out with red hair at this point I'll be surprised. I don't think the audience at home will pick up the phone for that so I'm throwing her in the bottom three pile.

Mary Byrne:



I'm not a fan of people re-singing songs from auditions; it reminds me of Tatiana from American Idol. I do really like this song and Mary excels at songs she can belt since she is from the school of "she who sings loudest is best." I'm not loving the dress, but I'm just glad she's not in flowy pants this week; maybe next week she can wear her hair down. I'd love to hear her sing something contemporary, but I don't see that happening. Tesco's darling is safe.

Aiden Grimshaw:



Oh Aiden has jumped the shark; I don't know if he's lost his confidence after last week but this is NOT good. He should give this song to Mary and that hair back to Vanilla Ice. I'd throw him in my bottom three pile too, but the judges loved him.

Belle Amie:



Girls Aloud is their guilty pleasure or The Pretenders? Either way this isn't going to go down well with Cheryl I suspect. Do they have belts or a bike chain or something weaved into their hair? I gotta say I think this performance is falling really flat, the singing isn't bad, but it's just not exciting. The redhead's shoes are cute and I like the blonde one's dress; yes I don't know their names and don't pretend like you do either. I'm throwing them into my bottom three pile and yes I know I have more than three in there, so sue me!

Wagner:



I'm speechless, I need a minute to collect my thoughts. Talk amongst yourselves; here's a topic: Grapenuts are neither grapes nor nuts, discuss. Spice Girls took my power of speech away and then a segway into La Vida Loca with carnival dancers simulating sex. and then flashing Wagner. I can't comment on the singing because, well umm he didn't sing. Louis has done lost his mind, but they hit guilty pleasures right on the head. I'd say bottom three, but there is obviously a vote for the worst campaign going on for Wagner.

Katie Waissel:


Well at least she didn't dye her hair Cheryl red, but can someone please touch her roots up for me? I'm sure the X-Factor budget has enough money for a little peroxide. Her VT said she's be dancing, but I think she's more prancing about and trying to look sexy, emphasis on trying. I get how Disney can be a guilty pleasure, but I didn't love it. I think Simon might break out his cruise ship metaphor in response to her performance. I agree with Louis she is like Gwen Stefani as I believe Gwen should never be allowed to perform live. I was wrong about Simon so I guess she's safe.